Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Not now. I’m deglazing.