Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it