Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!