Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story