Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

these two trucks have the same bed length

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.