normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
This could be us, but you weedin’.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?