normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
I’m not average. I’m mean.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium