Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

this is so top tier i cant

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.