normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My plans: 2020:
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0