Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah