Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?