Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
handsome & gretel
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
SQUARREL
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.