Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to