Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
You Might Also Like
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.