Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
notice
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Cat.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine