Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser