Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex