Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%