normalize having existential bread
You Might Also Like
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.