Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I didn’t know they can drive…
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.