Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
He is just living hist best little life 😊
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.