Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I have questions??
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.