Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*