Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
All set.
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.