Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
💀😭
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ