Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

They’re on their honeymoon

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.