Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.