Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
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I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
the only organized thing in my life is crime
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.