Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
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listen closely
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.