Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.