Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Did…did a minotaur write this
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby