Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.