Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
just left a huge legacy in there
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen