Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
airing out the snack pack
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Why is this me 😫
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno