Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

be careful

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Somebody call the cops.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Beauty and the Beast

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?