Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.