Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
had to make it
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I love it
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.