NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.