normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers


If you’re a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I’m automatically assuming you’re a cat that learned to use a computer.


Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.


Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’


5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”


Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally


Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.


I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.


[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this