Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
how it started vs how it ended
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.