Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
What?!?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me trying to walk in a dream
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.