Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.