Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

I would guard your potatoes so hard.