Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
adam and eve had first world problems
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.