Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there