Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Schrödinger’s cookie
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“what’s it like having a sister?”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour