Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…