Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
You Might Also Like
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf