Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk