Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom