North and South
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Mistakes were made
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice