North and South
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It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
#parenting
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
ACED my prostate exam!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…