Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read