North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it