@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

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@KimmyMonte

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

@ValeeGrrl

My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@princesscryanna

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

@FilmCow

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

@jonnysun

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

@CeruleanGates

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow