North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder


My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.


Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”


So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.


*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL


Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there


When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.


black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow