Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?