North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years


Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light


Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.


I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.


[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist


If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.


Judge: I sentence you to life in prison


Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.


Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?