Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it