Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz