north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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Okay
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*