Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.