Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Just parrot things

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him