Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

is this a warning or an offer?

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic