North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
LOL!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.