North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Camping tip: No.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
😂😂
