North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.