My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
This made me chuckle.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
cyclists
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*updates tinder bio*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.