@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

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@ibid78

“You know what, that’s some ?..”
“Calm down you’re being irrational right now.”

@MollyERA

“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”

@OldsDad

I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@Lisabug74

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

@thetits

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

@WittySassBasket

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.