North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Well well well…
So that’s what we looked like?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!