North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Breakfast for Stoners:
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house