North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?