North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth