North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
