North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl