North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You Might Also Like
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me