North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
the last thing a carrot sees
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
We all have our pet causes.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle