North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust