Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down