North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped