Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Mouse
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”