Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.