Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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Stop being $50 to eat, food.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
when you are just born a rebel
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap