Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars